5 ways to recognise someone who isn’t a football fan

  1. They don’t know the difference between things like the Championship and the Champions League. Or one game and two legs. Or penalties and spot-kicks. Or away goals and home goals. Or a manager and a chairman. Or a forward and a midfielder and a right back. Or, and I promise you I know someone like this, the difference between Manchester United and Manchester City. They say stuff like:

                 ‘I didn’t know Inter Milan played in the Championship.’

2.They don’t know/understand/get/see the point of/ understand/care about/talk about/understand the offside rule.         They say stuff like:

                   ‘But he’s in front of the defender now. Isn’t that offside?’

3.They are under the impression that football requires little to no skill compared to ‘proper’ sport like rugby or golf or even *whisper* polo….They say stuff like:

                     ‘I could have done that!’

Really? You could have caught it on your left foot, bounced it to your right, dribbled past three defenders without being tackled, put it through a defenders legs, brought it back onto your left, flicked it in the air, done a flip, high-kicked it into the net whilst going through more defenders legs and just missing the grasp of the goal-keeper? Really? Well, why arn’t you playing for Man United then!?! Stuff that. Play for ENGLAND!

4.When watching football with you (Spain 1-1 Italy), they say stuff like:

‘Don’t worry, they (Spain) will bring Messi on soon.’ What? What!? Seriously. WHAT!?!?

5. After replying to the above comment with,   ‘whatareyoutalkingaboutareyouinsaneMessiisnotspanishhedoesn’tevenlookspanishareyouondrugshe’saregentinahaveyou

beenlivingonMarsyourentirelifeareyoucrazy?’

They say, ‘But he plays for Real Madrid, he must be Spanish?’

Uh-huh, really? I’m supposed to deal with that? Firstly, NO! he does not play for Real Madrid, he plays for Barcelona. Secondly just because a player plays for a team in a particular country, does not mean he plays for that country. Thirdly, like, seriously? Even non-football fans must know Messi is Argentinian right? Right?!

These people exist. It is best to avoid them between the end of August and end of May. And June if it’s a Euro’s year. And July if it’s a World Cup year. And August if it’s an Olympic year. You have been warned.

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